Hurricane alert!, Hurricane Acissej_seira

From our foreign correspondent, Yew, reporting from outlying island of Pulau Sekudu:

"...can't write the way some of you are writing, anyway, there is a Hurricane alert island wide due to some changes in the environment in a triathlete training group.Hurrcane Acissej_seira is so strong that it has alters the geographic of the island, making PIE next to Serangoon garden, mayb marsiling, yishun, thomson, jurong, or even east coast will be next to seragoon garden too... many are waiting to see where this hurricane is heading to.... "

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Latest news on Hurricane Acissej_Sierra can be found on www.knn.com.

The meteorological services have confirmed reports that a category 8.58 hurricane has touched down on the tiny island nation of Singapore, affecting many households and businesses and causing widespread carnage. Power outages and massive traffic jams are causing additional mayhem on the streets. The Home Team and Ministry of Defence are out in full force to control the situation.

Trifam members have also been advised to stand-by and stay with their tri bikes and swim gear for immediate mobilisation once Ser Luck's built-in bicycle power horn is sounded.

Reports indicate that the hurricane is the strongest in Singapore's modern history, making it the number one threat on the island after terrorism and cancer. "The hurricane is so strong that even its name is altered!", quoted a spokesperson from the meteorological services.

The hurricane is expected to concentrate at the central areas, sucking in the east, west, north and southern parts of Singapore into its central vortex. The public is advised not to be alarmed by extremely strong gale force winds and torrential rains. Widespread flooding is expected in low-lying areas. The Singapore Civil Defence Farce will assist all Trifamers by providing water proofing for all bikes and running shoes.

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Analytical report from our parallel news agency:

"This is really creating a safety net," said Goon Goon, SCDFarce's acting deputy director of recovery. "There's never been any intent for someone to be left behind without the resources to protect their precious assets and left without a roof over their head."

He said the Rescue Water Proofing Program (READ: really, wat's people's problem) was partly intended to protect the Trifamers population who had been the greatest & biggest contributor to the GDP of the nation.

Dr. Pek Chek, director of the Center for Science and Chimalogy Policy Research at the University of Coconut, said the traditional way of looking at the damage inflicted by past hurricanes - calculating the value of property destroyed and adjusting for inflation - was misleading. "Something else is going on," he said.

Dr. Pek Chek added that he hoped the estimated cost in damage would help officials make decisions about how to rebuild from hurricane carnage and help them understand that disasters of similar magnitude were all too likely in the future. "This is not a one-off type of event," he said. "It's not just Acissej_Sierra."

Cho Si Mi Network, 12 Dec

Gruesome Find in Sengkang, Police Suspect Illegal Trifam Activities

Sengkang, Singapore - Local police were yesterday called to the scene of a gruesome find along a long stretch of road bordering Sengkang estate. A spokesman from the Singapore Police Farce said that nicely-cut body parts were strewn along a 5.5km loop surrounding the developing new town. It is unknown to whom the parts belong to but Police suspect that it belongs to a Trifam member who keeps getting 'qie-ed' (cut) by fellow team mates while biking and possibly even running.

Meanwhile, it is also known that a certain Trifam member is designing a 'No Qie' sign for newbies with brand new bikes. It is however unclear if the two incidences are related to each other.

Indahum Stands In For Wrong Marathon Runner

Simei, Singapore - A visibly disturbed Indahum was seen cussing and swearing at local strays after leaving the local Singapore Pools outlet at Simei.

"I ran for the wrong person! (expletives censored for general public) I should have ran for the person who is standing behind Choonwei in the registration line!" Indahum was heard screaming at a helpless cockroach while it scurried back into the longkang.

Reporters picked up a crumpled piece of 4D Winnings paper which Indahum threw in a fit of anger. It read "4471". A check with the Standard Chartered Marathon Authorities revealed that Choonwei's tag number was "4470".

"I will be back!", Indahum told reporters as he clutched his Lianhe Wanbao and marched back home in his singlet, shorts and slippers.

Tech Glitches Delay Live Video Feeds, ecaep_j Stands In Instead

Boundary Road, Singapore - The lack of technology in the forum has forced the manual use of animated text gesturing as visual stimuli for fellow trifamers in their efforts to use their brains more frequently. At the forefront of this breakthrough in awakening the synapses of triathletes is Dr. ecaep_j, whose name is impossible to pronounce in any known human language, existent or extinct.

While Dr. ecaep_j cannot be reached for comment on her discovery, trifamers would be happy to know that they would soon be able to visualize the actions of all members of the forum. A sampling of what might happen between 2 members on a typical day is shown:

A: hello B! *waves hand frantically*
B: oh hello A! *jumps up and down excitedly, then falls off chair*
A: Hey, are you okay? *shows concerned face*
B: I'm okay lah, it was just a figure of speech. *sneers A for being conned into thinking I fell of chair*

The possibilities of this breakthrough is endless. Future races will be commentated using such advancements in visual imagination. However, at least a Windows CE palm top is required to be mounted on bicycles for live feeds.

Local GDP Shoots Up, Thanks To Trifamers

Holland Grove, Singapore - The news is official: Trifamers are contributing significantly to the Singapore economy and the gross national product (GDP) is set to increase a few percent for the 4th Quarter. Minister of Gear Purchases, Mr. Its Money Its Mine, said,"Trifamers are spending a fair bit of their salaries in getting their toys this year. Every weekend, I am summoned by my office to check if these purchases are legitimate."

A case at hand, Mr IMIM pointed out, was yesterday's illegal gathering of Trifamers at a local bicycle establishment. Several bicycles of the same make and model were bought without much thought into it. Owner Mr. Teh Rek Noor Lokgee explained," These buggers, they come into my shop. Some never ask questions, straightaway buy the first road bike or tri bike they see. I try to tell them tricycle and tri bike are different, but they still go ahead and buy tri bike. You think it is good business? Of course good for Singapore economy lah! For me it is not easy to assemble all the bicycles in such short notice! Usually my customers will come in look see, look see. They will think twice if my bicycle is too expensive for them. They think long long. The longer they think, the more time I can think about my next holiday in Batam after they buy the expensive bike. But this Trifam group come into my shop and then buy so many Trek 1000 bicycles! WHere got time to call my girlfriends in Batam that I don't have time to see them this weekend? Then some also want to modify their Trek 1000. Aerobar lah, Zipp wheels lah, carbon fork lah. Mana boleh tahan?"

Apparently, Mr Lokgee's shop is not the only victim of an increase in sales during this festive period. The Salomon shop at Suntec City is also facing a "tremendous human tsunami made up of Trifam groups". Reporters were unable to get to the counter staff due to massive onslaught of customers at the shop.

Medical Experts Baffled By Mythos' 360 Degree Focus

Sengkang, Singapore - Medical experts in the field of sports madness are baffled by the progress of Mythos' recovery. Reports some weeks ago indicate that Mythos should be resting his humstring for further prolong action by the end of 2006. However, experts are seeing signs that Mythos is not heeding conventional healing methods of sports recovery. Instead, Mythos is embarking on a "somewhat 360 degree change in injury management", qouted a sports physiologist, Dr. Ayyamkoo Khoo. "Mythos has been known to attempt triathlons and extraordinary feats of extra human proportions within a short span of a few weeks, but he is suddenly itchy to have a game, or even two, of ping pong! Something is not right! Especially so when the physical exertion level, gear requirements, physiological movement, mental endurance and nutritional requirements are totally different! I mean, you don't need Power Gel for Ping Pong!", chuckled Dr Khoo.

Medical scientists at the local mental infirmary are scrambling to find a secret code to unlock the mystery of Mythos recent wayward activities. Meanwhile, doctors, patients and caregivers are conducting an in-house sweepstakes and charity fundraiser to place their bets on what would Mythos do next. Called the WWMD (What Would Mythos Do, or Wahlao Weapons of Mass Destruction), punters are betting high on the most unlikeliest activities such as chess, javelin, synchronise swimming, gymnastics floor exercise, and tic-tac-toe.

The current odds are that Mythos will take up Map-reading skills next.