Hurricane alert!, Hurricane Acissej_seira

From our foreign correspondent, Yew, reporting from outlying island of Pulau Sekudu:

"...can't write the way some of you are writing, anyway, there is a Hurricane alert island wide due to some changes in the environment in a triathlete training group.Hurrcane Acissej_seira is so strong that it has alters the geographic of the island, making PIE next to Serangoon garden, mayb marsiling, yishun, thomson, jurong, or even east coast will be next to seragoon garden too... many are waiting to see where this hurricane is heading to.... "

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Latest news on Hurricane Acissej_Sierra can be found on www.knn.com.

The meteorological services have confirmed reports that a category 8.58 hurricane has touched down on the tiny island nation of Singapore, affecting many households and businesses and causing widespread carnage. Power outages and massive traffic jams are causing additional mayhem on the streets. The Home Team and Ministry of Defence are out in full force to control the situation.

Trifam members have also been advised to stand-by and stay with their tri bikes and swim gear for immediate mobilisation once Ser Luck's built-in bicycle power horn is sounded.

Reports indicate that the hurricane is the strongest in Singapore's modern history, making it the number one threat on the island after terrorism and cancer. "The hurricane is so strong that even its name is altered!", quoted a spokesperson from the meteorological services.

The hurricane is expected to concentrate at the central areas, sucking in the east, west, north and southern parts of Singapore into its central vortex. The public is advised not to be alarmed by extremely strong gale force winds and torrential rains. Widespread flooding is expected in low-lying areas. The Singapore Civil Defence Farce will assist all Trifamers by providing water proofing for all bikes and running shoes.

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Analytical report from our parallel news agency:

"This is really creating a safety net," said Goon Goon, SCDFarce's acting deputy director of recovery. "There's never been any intent for someone to be left behind without the resources to protect their precious assets and left without a roof over their head."

He said the Rescue Water Proofing Program (READ: really, wat's people's problem) was partly intended to protect the Trifamers population who had been the greatest & biggest contributor to the GDP of the nation.

Dr. Pek Chek, director of the Center for Science and Chimalogy Policy Research at the University of Coconut, said the traditional way of looking at the damage inflicted by past hurricanes - calculating the value of property destroyed and adjusting for inflation - was misleading. "Something else is going on," he said.

Dr. Pek Chek added that he hoped the estimated cost in damage would help officials make decisions about how to rebuild from hurricane carnage and help them understand that disasters of similar magnitude were all too likely in the future. "This is not a one-off type of event," he said. "It's not just Acissej_Sierra."

Cho Si Mi Network, 12 Dec

Gruesome Find in Sengkang, Police Suspect Illegal Trifam Activities

Sengkang, Singapore - Local police were yesterday called to the scene of a gruesome find along a long stretch of road bordering Sengkang estate. A spokesman from the Singapore Police Farce said that nicely-cut body parts were strewn along a 5.5km loop surrounding the developing new town. It is unknown to whom the parts belong to but Police suspect that it belongs to a Trifam member who keeps getting 'qie-ed' (cut) by fellow team mates while biking and possibly even running.

Meanwhile, it is also known that a certain Trifam member is designing a 'No Qie' sign for newbies with brand new bikes. It is however unclear if the two incidences are related to each other.

Indahum Stands In For Wrong Marathon Runner

Simei, Singapore - A visibly disturbed Indahum was seen cussing and swearing at local strays after leaving the local Singapore Pools outlet at Simei.

"I ran for the wrong person! (expletives censored for general public) I should have ran for the person who is standing behind Choonwei in the registration line!" Indahum was heard screaming at a helpless cockroach while it scurried back into the longkang.

Reporters picked up a crumpled piece of 4D Winnings paper which Indahum threw in a fit of anger. It read "4471". A check with the Standard Chartered Marathon Authorities revealed that Choonwei's tag number was "4470".

"I will be back!", Indahum told reporters as he clutched his Lianhe Wanbao and marched back home in his singlet, shorts and slippers.

Tech Glitches Delay Live Video Feeds, ecaep_j Stands In Instead

Boundary Road, Singapore - The lack of technology in the forum has forced the manual use of animated text gesturing as visual stimuli for fellow trifamers in their efforts to use their brains more frequently. At the forefront of this breakthrough in awakening the synapses of triathletes is Dr. ecaep_j, whose name is impossible to pronounce in any known human language, existent or extinct.

While Dr. ecaep_j cannot be reached for comment on her discovery, trifamers would be happy to know that they would soon be able to visualize the actions of all members of the forum. A sampling of what might happen between 2 members on a typical day is shown:

A: hello B! *waves hand frantically*
B: oh hello A! *jumps up and down excitedly, then falls off chair*
A: Hey, are you okay? *shows concerned face*
B: I'm okay lah, it was just a figure of speech. *sneers A for being conned into thinking I fell of chair*

The possibilities of this breakthrough is endless. Future races will be commentated using such advancements in visual imagination. However, at least a Windows CE palm top is required to be mounted on bicycles for live feeds.

Local GDP Shoots Up, Thanks To Trifamers

Holland Grove, Singapore - The news is official: Trifamers are contributing significantly to the Singapore economy and the gross national product (GDP) is set to increase a few percent for the 4th Quarter. Minister of Gear Purchases, Mr. Its Money Its Mine, said,"Trifamers are spending a fair bit of their salaries in getting their toys this year. Every weekend, I am summoned by my office to check if these purchases are legitimate."

A case at hand, Mr IMIM pointed out, was yesterday's illegal gathering of Trifamers at a local bicycle establishment. Several bicycles of the same make and model were bought without much thought into it. Owner Mr. Teh Rek Noor Lokgee explained," These buggers, they come into my shop. Some never ask questions, straightaway buy the first road bike or tri bike they see. I try to tell them tricycle and tri bike are different, but they still go ahead and buy tri bike. You think it is good business? Of course good for Singapore economy lah! For me it is not easy to assemble all the bicycles in such short notice! Usually my customers will come in look see, look see. They will think twice if my bicycle is too expensive for them. They think long long. The longer they think, the more time I can think about my next holiday in Batam after they buy the expensive bike. But this Trifam group come into my shop and then buy so many Trek 1000 bicycles! WHere got time to call my girlfriends in Batam that I don't have time to see them this weekend? Then some also want to modify their Trek 1000. Aerobar lah, Zipp wheels lah, carbon fork lah. Mana boleh tahan?"

Apparently, Mr Lokgee's shop is not the only victim of an increase in sales during this festive period. The Salomon shop at Suntec City is also facing a "tremendous human tsunami made up of Trifam groups". Reporters were unable to get to the counter staff due to massive onslaught of customers at the shop.

Medical Experts Baffled By Mythos' 360 Degree Focus

Sengkang, Singapore - Medical experts in the field of sports madness are baffled by the progress of Mythos' recovery. Reports some weeks ago indicate that Mythos should be resting his humstring for further prolong action by the end of 2006. However, experts are seeing signs that Mythos is not heeding conventional healing methods of sports recovery. Instead, Mythos is embarking on a "somewhat 360 degree change in injury management", qouted a sports physiologist, Dr. Ayyamkoo Khoo. "Mythos has been known to attempt triathlons and extraordinary feats of extra human proportions within a short span of a few weeks, but he is suddenly itchy to have a game, or even two, of ping pong! Something is not right! Especially so when the physical exertion level, gear requirements, physiological movement, mental endurance and nutritional requirements are totally different! I mean, you don't need Power Gel for Ping Pong!", chuckled Dr Khoo.

Medical scientists at the local mental infirmary are scrambling to find a secret code to unlock the mystery of Mythos recent wayward activities. Meanwhile, doctors, patients and caregivers are conducting an in-house sweepstakes and charity fundraiser to place their bets on what would Mythos do next. Called the WWMD (What Would Mythos Do, or Wahlao Weapons of Mass Destruction), punters are betting high on the most unlikeliest activities such as chess, javelin, synchronise swimming, gymnastics floor exercise, and tic-tac-toe.

The current odds are that Mythos will take up Map-reading skills next.

Comments from Nemo and Soloist Opens Can of Worms

Tampines North, Singapore - Recent developments in the literary scene within the Trifam community has seen a upward trend in interest over the possibility of a Trifam magazine. First mooted by Soloist and then backed up by his liberal compatriot, Nemo, comments were rife when news broke out about the retirement of Mythos from the endurance sports scene.

Observers have noted that the magazine would be a good idea for the ever-increasing club but are skeptical if it would be sustainable. Conservative experts also say that this would actually have a negative impact on the community. "It creates a phobia amongst writers to 'shine'. Having a Trifam magazine would actually stifle the creativity of budding writers within the community. It is better to concentrate on what Trifam is all about, and that is to train and have fun doing multisports activities," a spokesperson from Triathletes Against Writing (TAW) said. "Writing in the forum is good enough and there is freedom of speech. The notion of a magazine or any published article is a turn-off."

The news has also affected Engineermunn badly, forcing him to seek political and literary asylum. Intelligence agencies have not been able to contact Engineermunn but he is believed to be hiding in the confines of his toilet. Reports from his doctor state that Engineermunn is suffering from a severe bout of 'stomach upset'.

Meanwhile, the authenticity of news regarding Mythos' retirement is under heavy scrutiny. Mythos has come out of his shell claiming, "This is all nonsense! I will never quit!". Psychologists from IMH were called in to verify his sanity. "I will also challenge IMIM and Edkor! If I quit, they better carry out what they said they would do!" Mythos proclaimed as he was fitted into a straightjacket for further tests.

Mythos To Retire Early From Endurance Sports, Shock Disclosure By Sengkang Resident

Sengkang, Singapore - Following reports of his team-mate's strategy for the 2006 season, Mythos made a shocking press release of his early retirement from the multi-sport scene. "I will quit training altogether. I have competed and completed too many races for 2005. I am satisfied with my peak performance", said Mythos, who is also known as David in the non-sporting scene.

Reporters probed if his early retirement was due to a nagging injury, of which Mythos replied,"My hamstring has been bothering me since Day One. I've seen so many doctors, sinsehs, massage parlours, aunties, uncles, small boys and girls for their advice but nothing seems to be working. Something is not right. I should just listen to my body and quit the sport altogether."During the press release statement, fans of Mythos were rooting for him to make a comeback scene in the likes of Michael Jordan who left the Chicago Bulls, only to return to the NBA scene soonafter. A fan with a large tube of sunblock was heard quoting,"I think he will return to race. Mythos has been my idol since the New Balance Aquathlon. We have the same name, you know?"

His team-mates were equally surprised at the shock announcement. Edkor was nonetheless suffering from initial shock,"Now when I jump, I don't know who will jump with me." as rap tunes from KrisKros was playing in the background. "But I think I can convince him to return to the sport".

Sports critics are viewing this as a wise strategy of Mythos, and are not ruling out that Mythos will return in a matter of 2 months with a new name. "He might return as Myfingers, Mynails, or Myhum", a spokesman was heard saying. Doctors were unable to be reached for comment as most of them have given up telling Mythos about his hamstring problem.

Engineermunn Announces Plans for His 2006 Season

Upper Thomson, Singapore - After completing his first half marathon at the annual Singapore Standard Chartered Marathon yesterday, Engineermunn has announced that his 'professional' races in the 2006 season would consist of mostly half marathons and Olympic distance triathlons.

"I am on track with my progressive and incremental distances when I race. I started off with the 10km distance in 2004. This year, it was mainly sprints and then the penultimate half marathon yesterday. I have achieved what I had set out when I first began in this endurance endeavour", Engineermunn told the Trifam Times. "I might throw in a half ironman distance sometime towards the end of the year, in line with achieving my Ironman dreams in 2007 or 2008", reassured Engineermunn who was quelling rumours from a certain media celebrity that he did not 'look like an Ironman'.

Newbies have been rejoicing at this piece of news as they have recently been feeling very intimidated by the very rapid and sometimes crazy races that members of Trifam are embarking on. One of the members who only wants to be identified as Seng Chiow said, "Lucky I now can train properly. All those guys say jump means jump. I cannot lah. Must train properly. I still want to enjoy my races. Now, Engineermunn decide to do half marathons, I can still tahan lah. We will not run lonely anymore!"

When asked why he wants to just concentrate on half marathons, Engineermunn said that he would like to know that he can improve on his 21.1km distances first before taking the big leap, adding that his motto has always been "Slow and Steady, Everything in Moderation". "I know when I'll be ready for a full distance in the sanest of ways. Don't worry, I'll get there." Engineermunn reassured his rousing fans from Phillips, Toyomi and KDK.

Memoirs of a SC Half Marathoner

The day started out really humid. I was wondering to myself that the cloud cover was indeed thick and motionless at the ungodly hours of 5am. Climatic conditions were very unlike the 5am Sengkang training runs we had prior to race day. There was no wind at all, not even the reassuring breeze or a cool whiff of welcome respite. My initial race strategy was to carry my camelbak with my ipod nano. Alas, my nano screwed up on me. I have been doing my training runs with my nano and I even set up playlists for 5km runs, 10km runs and my half marathon. But it has got to be TODAY that my nano had to crash. The nano just didn't want to run with me on this day. Although I felt dejected, I knew I couldn't let this chance of running the half just because of a rotten Apple. I set off for the race site with heavy feet. No kidding, the lightweight New Balance 901 shoes didn't help at all. I decided against the camelbak as well which on hindsight was a wise decision as the water support was excellent.

The full marathon was off at 6am. I was just focusing on my Half. At 0620 hrs, I followed the masses to the starting pens like sheep to slaughter. The starting boom at 0630 hrs was accompanied by " The Final Countdown" and a single lightning bolt in the distance. The bolt sent the masses woo-ing and wow-ing. I bet some runners were hoping that the weather would turn alittle bit cooler.

The rotten Apple made me decide to change my pacing strategy by incorporating alternative psychological boosts. Without the sounds of U2, military cadence and Chariots of Fire, I ran on the right-most side of the route so I could keep a lookout for fellow Trifamers attempting their marathon feat. I caught glimpses of Ben Wee, David Lim, Coconut, Yew, Bklew, IMIM, Tricia, Mythos, Francis, Kenneth, etc. I thought to myself that at least I could keep my mind busy trying to identify our Trifam Crazy Horses with balloons tied to their waists. Don't they even know the concept of drag? Gee whiz.

My first 10km was a breeze and I managed a personal best of 1hr. I thought if I continued at this pace, I could really 'smell' my sub-2 hour target if only I put in that little bit of effort. And then I had this urge to answer nature's call. I was running along like a dog and searching for suitable places to 'mark my scent'. The civilised part of me told me to use the toilet which on hindsight was a terrible decision this time because it took a good 7 minutes and my momentum away! Now I knew what accumulated time wastage is all about! Ergh!Second part of the Half saw me engaging my other strategy of run-walk-run-walk. I told myself that if I had to walk, I would walk at a pace of 7kmph or more. Thanks to my RS200sd, I could maintain my pace at comfy speed. But no thanks to my RS200sd, I was somehow reading someone else's heart rate. Either that, or I think I have 2 hearts because my max HR was 102%!Screw the heart rate monitoring. So I was relying on listening to my own body and on my pacing to keep me in check.I planned to approach our glorious Supreme City Hall steps by picking up pace towards the finishing line. Baaaaasket...... my left leg cramped up at the last 40m. Dammit. Nevermind, I pushed on with mental recordings of Chariots of Fire. I came in at 2 hours 32 min. Dismal timing but satisfied that I am in check with my incremental running distances (last year 10km, this year half marathon, next year full).Now the big question: What to do with the rotten Apple? Anyone?